Intimacies

Teenagers, youngsters and adults alike are weighed down with quite a few problems and concerns, so this space is intended to present them with facts based on a pleasant but responsible approach to intimacy, be it in Cuba or elsewhere...

Polyamory or bigamy?

Love can turn a couple into a rapport shared by three or more people without anyone feeling betrayed. And yet, does that bode well for a healthy, satisfying relationship?

By Mayte María Jiménez / June 8, 2012

Much as it’s often mistaken for bigamy, polyamory is a whole different thing said to combine two essential ingredients: first, the plurality of the persons involved, and second, love, as the term excludes uncommitted sex, the so-called orgies, or the increasingly popular swinging.

The notion of infidelity is set aside for monogamous love.

Polyamory is different from polygamy in that the latter is seen as a social system in which not everyone has the same rights or a given gender –usually the man– comes out better. It’s also different from debauchery in that its purpose is to broaden the individual’s sexual horizons by opening the door to other people with whom there’s absolutely no romantic link.

It’s a hybrid formed by the Greek word ‘poly’ (many) and the Latin term ‘amor’ (love) that refers to a concept held to have come from English language.

Polyamorists stress that respect and humility are two key values of this kind of relationship –starting from the premise that you don’t try to be everything to another person– as are candid communication and unpossessiveness.

It’s a status that encourages personal freedom to show ourselves just as we are, undisguised and under no pressure to play a certain role or relinquish old dreams.

In The Virtues of Polyamory, Swiss psychologist and consultant Yves-Alexandre Thalmann describes the most common views against this kind of relationship or emotional status.

According to the researcher, those who argue that the practice fosters shallowness and instability think that true love must be complete and never given in doses, a maxim not always observed when it comes to love of our children or friends.

To Thalmann, infidelity is a concept reserved for monogamous love, since polyamory is about honesty and gender equality and opposed to possessiveness, on the basis that no human being can own another.

However, opinions differ, as many wonder whether such a situation can really be psychologically and socially healthy, especially in families already established and with children. We would have to assess in this case the quality of their relationship and their degree of self-assurance.

VIRTUES OR FAULTS

The specialist says his book is not advocating the abolition of the monogamous marriage that certain individuals feel so fine about, but people’s freedom to have several relationships at the same time.

In fact, from the sociological viewpoint, it’s safe to say that a couple’s tie with love is cultural rather than natural, sprung from society’s set of values and rules and, consequently, shapeable and changeable.

He assures that a look at a polyamorists relationship’s chances of success suffices to realize that monogamy has become decadent, so the time has come to accept the possibility of loving several people at once without jealousy of or control over anyone.

Thalmann quotes statistics on divorce, studies on infidelity and facts about reconstituted families to support his theories about the decline of monogamy, warning that a similar model in any other field would have been long replaced for a more effective one and insisting that he’s not questioning marriage but its hold on exclusive love, because the ability to love just one person and be forever faithful to them sounds more utopian than possible.

Even if these relationships are still uncommon worldwide, there are experiences and stories everywhere. On the Internet we find accounts of three-people marriages, based on consensual relationships with more than two persons subject to scheduled encounter and shared housework.

In this regard, they agree on timetables for intimate meetings, taking into account that their goal is not group sex but a “different” family whose members love and respect one another.

A few months ago the BBC reported the story of a man who had set up home with eight wives and they all lived in a very assertive atmosphere of work, respect, interaction and communication.

In all cases the fact is underscored that what matters to those involved is not sexuality but having a lasting, romantic relationship. To this end it’s essential that they be honest, able to communicate with each other, and transparent, lest war break out in their midst.

Thalmann points out that whoever is willing to rid their romantic bonds of jealousy, control and doubt should make inroads into polyamory, not to enjoy further advantages but to learn how to love better.

HOW TO LOVE

Science has proved that a brain in love releases endorphins –a.k.a. the love hormones– in front of the loved one. Furthermore, the theories of evolution have it that survival is contingent on the reproduction of the species, finding a partner, having intercourse, and procreating.

In this connection, relational exclusivity is nothing but evolution’s ruse to increase the human race’s chances of survival, since such conduct –Thalmann says– is not conditioned to outlast the three-year mark, the amount of time a woman needs to recover her autonomy and a child to reach a certain stage of development.

Reality, however, is richer than either of these positions. People have found plenty of ways to love and be happy. To some, exclusivity and fidelity are the key elements of a lasting relationship; to others, loyalty as a token of heartfelt love remains pivotal.

Be that as it may, respect, frankness, communication and love are still the key –regardless of gender or sexual orientation– to any bond worth preserving. That’s how we humans operate beyond sex, attraction and passion.