Happiness is in the balance
“To this end I must revisit many places of my future for
the purposes of self-encounter and endless self-assessment”.
Pablo Neruda.



Mileyda Menéndez Dávila
mileyda@juventudrebelde.cu 
April 13, 2012 20:52:24 CDT

The Belgian psychologist and anthropologist Esther Perel, with whom we talked last January during the 2012 Sexology Conference, says “sexuality is a window through which we can enter society”.

This New York-based therapist defines human partnership as a microcosm penetrated by cultural ideas which are later passed on to our offspring.

As a kind of portal in time and space, which like everything that responds to society, it usually changes its form in accordance with changing times.

Modern marriage deemed obsolete and old fashioned reproductive obligatory sex to make way for a newer erotic desire-based sexuality, governed by ideas forged by the world altering the 17th century romanticist cultural movement.

Nonetheless, this “romantic marriage” concept, which is still very much in vogue today, brings with it an essential historical contradiction; passion and comprise are an opposing pair that we endeavor to reconcile, so that many and varied needs such as stability and adventure, comfort and spontaneity, might be fulfilled by only one person.

“Today women ask for more…. and we divorce more because we are more easily disappointed. Even when we view our partner as someone with whom to create a family and to attain a degree of economic security in this, the 21st century we want him to be above all else our friend, our lover and our confidant.”

She argues that modern women are more open to social leadership, to individual projects, to out of home activity and to bearing fewer children but that such things are costly in terms of intimacy.

“This is an existential dilemma that all couples who attain some stability come up against; our eroticism is part of what makes feel alive but without noticing we re-direct it towards those following in our family footsteps and we disregard our erotic worlds”.

“Many women neglect to make themselves up in order to look beautiful but enjoy watching their adolescent daughters do so. Others stop paying attention to their husbands but admire their teenage sons. Most married couples barely arrange to go out a couple of times per year even though it is they who fund the weekend socializing of their young children.”


Sexually "Intelligent".

Esther has visited a great many countries to study couples in their cultural and historical contexts with a view to answering the questions asked at least once by almost everybody; why is the forbidden so erotic and having tasted it why does it not then excite us?

Why is everyday loving sex often not as passionate as a casual encounter? Why is it that children are created by sex and later become the cause of its demise?

Ethel speaks in fluent Spanish, enriched by many metaphors, with many Cuban journalists about her book “Intelligent Eroticism” [English title: Mating in Captivity] which has been in print since 2007 and which tries to address these questions.

According to what she tells us, the title was suggested in jest by her husband of 30 years but later both felt it was insightful; if emotional intelligence can now exist why should it not be accepted that sex may also require a degree of intuition and knowledge?

In this day and age a sexually "intelligent” and self-assured woman will go for the man who wants her and not the man who needs her.

Ethel assures us that the difference is easily detected; “In the first scenario “I love you” is said whilst in the second, the question “why do you not love me?” is raised even though it has been proven many times throughout the duration of the relationship. The opposite of this may also be true, emotionally dependent women demanding too much of their men”.

The different ways that such dependence is manifest are, above all, cultural; for her it is an open complaint and for him it is hidden or it is an aggressive outburst, especially in countries with a strong macho culture.

Desire is a fire that needs a space in which it can be built. Things will go better in a marriage where it is understood that this is not a problem to be solved but a contradiction, like many another of the 21st century, to be accepted.

“It is possible to be happy in a settled relationship and the key to it is to strike a balance between individual liberty and mutual compromise.”


Be Intelligent With Your Partner.

If you want to bring some erotic intelligence into your married life here are some suggestions intended as a conjugal survival-kit.

Show interest in things your partner likes and show her what interests you most.

Remember you are not joined at the hip; you don’t have to go everywhere together.

Occupational activities should be compatible for married couples.

Avoid the breakdown of communication. Get out of the house and share intimacies.

Don’t struggle against your partners oddities, incorporate them into the routine.

Don’t endeavour to change your partner, take the good with the bad.

Strive for balance in the roles played with both not always trying to have the dominant say.

Try to put yourself in your partner’s position before deciding why he/she is acting in a particular way.


Ask Unashamedly.

DC: My seven year old son has very underdeveloped genitals. He still sometimes likes to be naked when there are other people around. If the size of his penis is mentioned he becomes embarrassed and I am concerned about him getting a complex. I don’t know how best to deal with this.

Don’t allow your child to be naked in front of persons who are not his parents. By avoiding such situations you are teaching him the difference between what should be private and what should be public. Shame sometimes can be an indicator that it is important to control our desires and this experience can be used as such. The embarrassment caused by unexpected remarks may have given rise to some questions so you may be on the lookout for these and assist him in his search for answers.

It is best to wait until some questions or observations of his own about the size of his penis are expressed so as to be sure whether or not it is an issue for him.

Whatever the case may, be unless some medical intervention is required, all males must settle for what they have with the understanding that it is not the size of their virile member that guarantees the establishment of loving bonds.

Nonetheless if aside from what other people have mentioned you have some concern about his development you should seek the advice of a specialist.

Mariela Rodriguez Mendez, Master in Clinical Psychology and Psychoanalysis.