The Divorce Alternative (Part 1)

Although there are some exceptions couples still enter into relationships and marry for love – it is only with the passing of time that marriages begin to disintegrate to a point of insufferable discontentment.

Various Authors.
24^th Feb 2012.

A CubaNews translation by Sean Joseph Clancy.
Edited by Walter Lippmann.

“A happy marriage is an extended and unending dialogue”
Andre Maurois.

Any social contract that imposes absolute emotional starvation, which demands a totalitarian cohesion of ideals or has as a prerequisite an intransient outlook on life, amounts to an antithesis of the human condition and can only deliver diabolical and disastrous results.

Nevertheless many couples confronted with a clearly failing union will consciously or otherwise come up with strategies and mechanisms to justify, defend, reframe or rationalise in order to avoid a break-up, more will blame fate so as not to too closely identify themselves with their own conflicts or will refuse to analyze the viability or future prospects of their partnership and subject themselves to the impact of such denial on their lives.

But wearing a blindfold to avoid a sense of panic does not improve the situation or make the unpleasantness simply disappear. In marriage, as in other aspects of our lives, there are no irreversible decisions and free-will is accompanied by our right to implement change and put right past mistakes.


Many societies allow unhappy couples to divorce and try again based on this premise, a view deemed to be erroneous by those who sincerely believe that easy-access divorce provides an easy way out and facilitates our human weaknesses…… this though is an attitude that reflects an overly simplistic view of the flaws and defects of the human condition and which undermines the complexity, dynamism and relativity of our existence.

The importance today placed on the right, incorporated into the constitution of some nations, to the pursuit of happiness in some way contributes the high divorce rates in Western societies even though divorcees will consider their decision to be the result of a long struggle drenched in indifference, fear, guilt, anger and resentment.

And even though there are exceptions to the rule couples today enter into relationships and marry for love – it is only with the passing of time that marriages begin to disintegrate to a point of insufferable discontentment.

Love is considered as the fundamental reason to marry but paradoxically its absence is not openly accepted as a good enough reason to seek a divorce. Until some years ago it was required that one party complained that the other had grievously failed to comply with their marital responsibilities through adultery, abuse or abandonment. Today courts will accept more subtle or civilized grounds for separation – incompatibility of the partners or their simple wish to no longer be married to each other. This growing liberalization of divorce has contributed to the present climate of relative acceptance of the phenomenon as the answer to serious marital problems; happy couples are useful and contributing members of society whilst unhappy ones spread human misery, suffering, hatred and misunderstanding.

Love On The Rocks.

It is estimated today that half of all marriages in the Western world are destined to end in failure, a reality that really should not shock us given the willingness to openly accept that the same happens in other types of relationships.

Linked closely to socio-economic and urban cultural trends, there is evidence of higher divorce tolerance in cities. In fact some rural couples experiencing marital problems will migrate to a city to avoid attention, to share experiences with other couples or, should they decide to separate, to meet with more acceptance, find employment, social lives and independence.

Nevertheless the dissolution of a marriage is one of the most profound and traumatic experiences a person may suffer and aside from the social and occasional religious consequences it is a deeply painful personal process.

So much so that local divorce rates are taken into consideration by experts when planning for the provision of the country’s health services. People in this category suffer more hyper-tension, stomach troubles, anxiety, alcoholism and depression and use more anti-depressants, sleeping tablets or pharmaceutical remedies to alleviate their anguish than any other demographic group.

But even though divorce has many tragic elements the suffering it provokes can sometimes be an indication of survival, self awareness and of vital development – a strike against powerlessness, desperation and apathy. Most recent studies reveal that divorcees do recover and with the passing of time consider their decision to have been for the best. They claim to feel reborn and proud to have turned defeat into victory. A majority even dream that they may one day return to the state of marital bliss from which they have been exiled.

Disease Or Cure?

According to a popular Indian myth submitted by a reader during the reign of a monarch in times past 2000 couples divorced by mutual consent before a provincial judge. When the king was informed he was so outraged that he immediately abolished the right to divorce within his kingdom. During the following year there were 3000 less weddings, 7000 more allegations of adultery were filed, 300 women were burned to death for poisoning their spouses, 100 men were executed for murdering their wives and the costs arising from damages to possessions and homes exceeded one million rupees. When the king was informed he was so outraged that he immediately re-established the right to divorce.


E-mail feedback.

“In today’s world co-habitation is challenging for a couple, it is true that couples still marry for love but equally true now are the very high divorce rates and that having been together for years these same couples do not overcome their marital problems. Social, family and financial problems and other factors such as a husband using economic resources to maintain an extra-marital affair to which a wife is opposed and will not forgive. I also don’t agree with couples taking time out and then getting back together.”

“There are reasons why there are less marriages than before, even when there are children, living together can be better so that if things don’t work out its each to his/her own. This is reality and if as a woman you have suffered romantic disappointments you can learn to live alone and realise that a husband is not necessary. You might keep your distance for fear of being hurt again, my view now is that I am in love with my life and my children and I do not want a man in my house” --- Lisette.

“I very much enjoyed the article and would like, if I may, to add one thing. Most divorces occur between people who have had sex before marriage, while persons who marry as virgins enjoy more permanent unions. My opinion is based on having had many partners. There is an illusion that the best person to spend the rest of your life with must be good in bed. This idea is weak because it’s a bit like tasting food from another plate then saying, well, I don’t really like that so I’m going to find something more pleasing to me. This doesn’t happen with virgin marriages which form on the bass that I love you, you make me happy and I don’t need anybody else, you are my one and only. That is what I wanted to contribute.”------ Derek.


“As we are all well aware divorce is a consequence of marital breakdown and as the article suggests it can be the most profound and traumatic experience a person may suffer – it is a deeply painful personal process. From a legalistic perspective the institution of divorce is almost as old as the institution of marriage. I was interested in the article but do not concur with the view that marriage is in fact a contract. I hold all judicial orders in high regard but in all my years studying law I always harboured doubts abut the marital union being a contract. Some may argue to the contrary but the union is sustained on a basis of mutual love and respect, an understanding between persons who have decided to join their lives in order to uphold this sentiment; something no contract can fully incorporate.”

“I do concur with the main points of the piece, a matrimonial union is established, among other things, to share lives, to procreate and to offer ourselves and society a satisfaction inspired by happiness as an example of the compatibility of the partners and of their understanding and stoicism. In a modern world such concepts may seem archaic but they may also be considered a synonym for positive communication and a safe way to love sought by so many. Life’s journey is not an easy one, even for those privileged enough to live in opulence. None the less human beings have demonstrated in both fiction and real life, that love does not always endure hardship.”

“As we walk our city streets we do not often reflect on the fact that everyone we see is the fruit of a union, successful or otherwise and all depend on love that promotes this coupling as its highest expression.”

“The alarming divorce statistics of the past three decades are no secret. To what can this phenomenon be attributed? It is really only psychologists who can answer but each family should be acutely aware of this unsatisfactory situation. The family can play a vital role in this regard. We are obliged to provide our offspring with all they need to develop spiritually as well as materially. We must prepare them for stages in life such as these, relieving them of chauvinism, vanity and superiority complexes that lead to false concepts of womanhood.”

In our society divorce is a right than can be exercised by either partner. It is a very unpleasant process. Why then are we obliged to accept it as an option when almost always, one partner still loves the other? And what of the trauma caused to our children? My friend this article offers sound advice. We are dealing here with a most complex topic, not just for Cuba but for the world at large. I think it all depends on many things but to my mind the most fundamental relate to choices. We must be able to capture and appreciate the pleasures and opportunities life offers but to exercise caution when choosing who we wish to spend our lives with. Marriage is the institution from which stems the family; the basic nucleus of all societies. Those of us familiar with this page will be reminded of topics such as multiple intelligence and apply them at the time of the consecration of our marriage thus avoiding the necessity to pass through one of life’s most difficult challenges, divorce. Thanks to the authors for drawing our attention to this subject.”----- Nelson Leyva de la Torre.

“At its inception Marriage was created for man and woman only and it is written that man will leave his father and mother and unite as if becoming one flesh. Humanities maliciousness of heart allowed for divorce and here you claim that people still marry for love. Perhaps we have forgotten the words that inform us that through love anything can be attained, it bears all things and it is what we all seek. It seems more probable that people today marry only to fulfil desires and as the heart can be deceived at the first hurdle break-ups occur because despite how it seemed there is no true love bond. I believe that to create and sustain a good marriage ones heart must not possess the evil from which all badness arises.”-------Mario.

“Lisette, don’t be too extreme…. Your children will leave home and it might be that your soul-mate is out there waiting; even more so now that you have made a life of your own. You should not close a window for fear of what you might see. Growing old alone is sad and torturous, marriage will always be complicated and the best we can do is adapt the new compromises life demands.”----- Yox.

“I’ve never written before but I am a regular reader and congratulate the writer on a great article. It can be strange in today’s world deciding which is the problem and which the solution. The exchanges are helpful and interesting and I follow them as though they were part of the actual piece. Ladies with both feet firmly on the ground are well placed to put people in their place!”------Dan.

“Marriage does not end when it becomes unbearable but rather when it becomes unsustainable.”------ Jose.

“Goethe wrote that man enters crowds to smother the clamour of his own silence. Love is an ideal and marriage is a reality. Confusing reality for an ideal never passes unpunished.”----- Angelito.

“We must consider that it is not only for love that we get together, there are other strong, palpable reasons. To fall in love again every day with the person who comes home from work, to seek the beauty in a shared life and to battle against routine is a tall order but it is what prevents a marriage becoming a debacle. For me marriage is a very big word that represents the most divine thing that might happen to me.”------ Madison.

“Interesting article but you do know that single biggest reason for divorce is …… marriage!”------ Yuniesky.

“I think that as humans we are in a constant state of flux and when we do find love the transition to life partnership is difficult because of the uncertainty of what tomorrow might bring. I am a lover of solid, long term relationships as long as the love endures and I concentrate on caring for my partner and the family we have created, all the rest are just statistics and new age problems. I am sure that if he stopped loving me I would find someone to love me as I deserve. Divorce has much to do with roles today and given a choice between leaving a marriage that is dysfunctional or becoming a martyr like the women of olden times who had to endure a husband to the bitter end I would opt for the first.”----- Maricela.

For me marriage is an institution established by god which cannot be broken and the bible teaches us how to create a happy union. Of course Christians also divorce but what sets them apart from other people is not that they are better but that god has shown that marriage is to be taken seriously and that the bible tells us that when we marry we become one flesh. This is a most complex subject because it deals with relationships between imperfect human beings but divorce should always be the last card in the deck played.”
 


The Divorce Alternative (2nd and Final Part)
Thurs March 8th.


Various Authors.

Marriage must fight and give no quarry to an enemy that would consume it whole – habit.
Honore de Balzac.

There is no such thing as a friendly, painless divorce even though some couples in the process of separation do attempt to maintain a semblance of civility which is often supported by friends and family who for the very best of motives argue for a peaceful and cordial break-up.

There are also surprise divorces although statistics indicate that one is far more likely to suffer a sudden death than an unexpected divorce as break-ups are generally preceded by a prolonged battle where apprehension, a sense of failure and ill-will have become common place. With very few exceptions such ends leave both parties wounded, demoralised and with their self esteem harmed, the feel disappointed and cheated not just by their spouse but by life and the entire universe.

Isolation and separation are the principle sources of anguish for the recently divorced who may perceive themselves as disconnected and alone, defenceless and unable to make sense of much that is going on around them.

For a time these are the feelings that repress them. Studies reveal that divorce is second only to the death of a spouse within a happy marriage as a cause of marital suffering. Recovery from such an experience requires a process of adaptation and reintegration that may take some years. Firstly for those who have left as for those who have stayed, it is as if they suffered a profound disillusionment and they feel vulnerable and that they have failed and may be disoriented and resentful.

Such reactions may be followed by a second stage characterizes by loneliness, isolation and sadness. Recent divorcees generally perceive themselves as alienated and marginalised from their former lives and old friends.

Finally after a period of adjustment that may take up to five years many recover their optimism and decide to enrol for a new social life taking on the associated risks and vicissitudes.    

Collateral Damage.

Despite the mythology that the pillars of love, security and happiness which support matrimonial ideals are fragile indeed and in an ever changing world those same supposedly invulnerable feelings are very relative and transitory.

As a complex relationship subject to many pressures and socio-cultural expectations marriage too can change so when a man and a woman decide to publicly formalize their union sooner or later it will be consciously or subconsciously opportune to pose the question; do they stay together because they want to or because they ought to? Even though of all those involved in any divorce it is the adults who suffer most, their descendants also intensely feel its impact and react according to their age, temperament and how they experienced the marriage.

If it should happen during infancy they will be conscious of a change and even though they cannot understand the situation they will experience feelings of fear, abandonment and confusion. During adolescence the reactions are usually of anguish, rage and indignation that their parents could not resolve their problems.

Whatever the case may be most problems are not caused by the break-up per say but by what has gone before it, the unpleasantness that accompanies it and the problems and conflicts that may follow it.

Most children do overcome this painful experience but to do so they need to intellectually develop an understanding, to establish their own interpretation of what has occurred, one which will be beneficial to them will have their parents and not themselves as the protagonists even though it is they who have been the closest witnesses.

There is still much social debate as to whether a marriage with almost permanent tension and conflict can cause more harm to a family that stay together than one which separates. The old belief that unhappy parents should sty together for the sake of the children is losing ground to another point of view; if separation makes for two happier parents then ultimately everybody benefits.

If we accept that there is no remedy for insecurity and the transient nature of happiness our lives will be more realistic and bearable and at the same time we can free ourselves to intensely enjoy the better times.

Any decision to divorce is exclusively the prerogative of the concerned partners who should be free from any coercion in this regard. It is true that this option implies the significant erosion of material and personal assets but by not choosing it an alternative choice is implied.


Most people who divorce are not in pursuit of a self-centred independence or narcissistic pleasures but a return of life quality and the re-establishment of healthy loving union.

E-mail Feedback.

“I respect the opinions expressed but for those of us who have experienced parental divorce the theory is not valid. To be raised with an absent father goes beyond the pain of being witness to a separation, there is a void within the home that a mother can never fill. The support and security that only a father can provide is lacking and a father s not just anybody.”

Some of your other propositions seem unfounded e.g. most who divorce are not seeking self centred independence or narcissistic pleasures. It is well known that in Cuba many men abandon the home on the skirt tails of another woman and others flee the pressure maintaining a wife and family entails something aggravated by how difficult it is for Cuban men to provide for even the most basic needs of their families. Behind that infamous phrase “we just don’t see eye to eye” lurks a lack of willingness to communicate openly, the absence of mutual forgiveness for the multiple unavoidable mistakes and offences caused which sometimes lead those living together to the simplistic notion that another with whom life will be a bed of roses exists.”____ Andy

“Divorce is never the same for anybody so every opinion offered is valid. I know plenty of cases and no two have ever been alike. Of course some had certain similarities but all were distinctive and my own was one of them. I divorced for one reason but when I was alone with my daughter and really had time to reflect on what had happened I could see that there were many other reasons to have made the decision. The divorce was what was best for the two of us; it is true that we did have to go through some very hard times but when a relationship and feelings exist nothing is more important than staying together. But when one of the partners wishes to impose something that is when inequality enters and it is not noticed that something is here today and gone tomorrow, something that might have been eternal is simply abandoned without due regard for children, family or everything being together had stood for.”

“There are lonely people aware now that the bed of roses is short lived and ho wish they could go back, making endless promises that they would never make the same mistake again. It really is the children who suffer. My parents have been together for 35 years thank god, so I cannot comment too much about that. I have many friends though in such a situation and each has their own story. I do think that a father is not needed when you have a good mother although the ideal is to have both. Divorce is needed when a relationship causes unhappiness. If war in Libya is a dreadful thing war in the home is worse._____ Yunia.

Divorce is as natural a thing between two people as the opinion of a third who can never understand it. This formal act of separation almost always arises because all the so called marriage involved has ended for reasons that can be reasonably explained. But it is true that it will not continue to work even if both try to return to the past and reignite the relationship in question. How not to get to this point? There are many ways to attain that. Everything depends on the couple being prepared to journey onwards without getting weak at the knees and to act and feel as they did at the time they first met.” ___
__Modesto Reyes Canto.

“A most interesting topic and all viewpoints are valid. I would like to share something that   is happening today with my wife and that might give some insight into the problems implicit in cohabitation and marriage. I am 25 and my wife is 23. We have been together for years but only living together for the past year and we are not as yet officially married. Everything was great between us until the day we moved in together. Her character changed and I began to see a dark side that I had not encountered when we had been only dating. Coming home from work to be criticised or mistreated would be unbearable for anybody. Our intimate relations have diminished to the point of extinction and in spite of all I do to keep our love vibrant and maintain a passion between us routine never fails to trap us. She does not want me to leave her and swears she still wants me but the truth is I am unhappy in my own home. Nobody in my family has ever been divorced so I don’t have strings that might pull me towards a separation. Nevertheless I have decided to leave the person I had hoped to be with until the end of days and, because I still love her, submit myself to what will be a very difficult emotional process for me. I believe we all have a right to be happy and some of us who are victims of these or similar problems ought to divorce or separate. This is not to say that I consider divorce as a means to escape our problems but rather as an opportunity to afford ourselves a second chance to be happy in life because we deserve something better.”_____ Javier Ernesto.

“Javier, I think if you really love her you should try to discuss things. The only sure way not to be wrong is frank communication between you so that everything can be out in the open. Your partner might be going through a rough patch just now and because of the pace of life these days you might be missing something. In my opinion spouses should share everything and respect each others ideas.”____ ahr.

Javier with all due respect to the previous opinion and any others that may be expressed, get yourself a divorce! I have seen plenty of relationships like yours and when the conversation starts about how to deal with an ongoing problem like this divorce is best because what follows are worse problems that nobody wants to live through.”___ELDJ.

Hi to the great newspaper team. I am tempted to share again on this topic because I have suffered divorce and infidelity and so have lost all regard for marriage or true loving partnerships. I congratulate couples who have met their chosen one on their first, second or whatever nuptial attempt. I think that because of the uneasy way we live today a lot must be done so that a couple can avoid stumbling into monotony and disappointment. We must know how to make the most of whatever situations we can so that when we later confront a crisis we can reflect on what has been, never regretting what we have done. Everything happens for a reason and we need to know how to interpret them. Women these days enjoy more freedom, they do not need to depend on a husband for anything and simply do not have to tolerate chauvinism or abuse, they just need to meet the right man. I don’t know mine just yet and sometimes wonder if he exists.”____ Lissette.

END.