CubaNews translation. Edited by Walter
Lippmann Sexo sentido Is there a natural reason for men to cheat?Youths and adults, men and women: they all have very different views about the controversial «man’s role», so defended, forgiven or criticized in previous centuries. By: Mileyda Menéndez, Psychology student Víctor M. Velázquez, and Social Communication student María de los Ángeles Martínez. E-mail: mileyda@jrebelde.cip.cu March 1, 2008 - 00:56:34 GMT Jorge Alberto, 38, wrote to Sexo Sentido since he’s got the impression his partner is being unfair to him and wants us to help her be «more reasonable». He says they started not long ago. Both because of their jobs and for family reasons they live in different municipalities, and even if he understands that a more active sex life is out of the question in such circumstances, he claims the right to go to bed with any woman who makes a pass at him without being tagged as a cheater. «A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do» Up until they started dating they had lived for months without having sex with anyone, but this time he wants to paper over the cracks in due time and make it clear he’s not above «acting like a real man» should the need to fulfill such a «duty» happen to arise. «Otherwise I would run the risk of losing prestige in front of that hypothetical woman... yet my girlfriend won’t face up to reality», he complains, and on top of that says to take offense he feels offended because ever since he told her how the game is played, that he should wear a condom. «That’s how I was brought up: a man’s gotta be always ready, and if the woman doesn’t think so, well, it’s her funeral. The only thing she can expect is that I will be discreet», a 51-year-old reader agrees. Nevertheless, a group of students from the ‘Simón Bolívar’ Higher School of Sports Performance Improvement in Granma province’s city of Bayamo referred to the above as «two-bit macho nonsense», outraged not only at men who take advantage of such a sign of cultural backwardness to insult a woman, but also «those girls who rate themselves too low and sometimes put a man on the spot just to ruffle his girlfriend’s feathers». Role-playing? Youths and adults, men and women: they all have very different views about the so-called «man’s role», for centuries as much defended or forgiven as it has been criticized. After reading dozens of opinions and comments in our online message board, the first thing that hits you is that some people misunderstand the concept of «manliness», which says a lot for its relative validity. To some, it’s a man’s role to provide for everything a home needs so that his woman doesn’t have to go out, not even to work, «to take a stroll on Sunday at most», as a 52-year-old self-employed man in Havana pointed out. To others like Orley, a student at the Higher School of Arts, a man should just «represent my gender without distinction and be ‘the second half’, no more and no less important than the first one». Only a few mentioned the «role» to be supposedly played in the arms of a teaser, a trap into which both heterosexual and homosexual couples fall. A technical student reflected when the topic came up in Sancti Spiritus public park: «My dad often says that, but I wonder, if a girl likes me, do I really have to ‘act like a man’ even if I don’t feel up to it? And if everything goes wrong, wouldn’t I be making a fool of myself instead?» On the other hand, a professor in Villa Clara who was camping with his class assured he needed «a whole bus to carry all the kids he would leave along the road to every woman who makes advances to me». Just kidding, he then said, but the problem is the greatest truths are told as a joke... and the best reply to his words came from one of his students, who was 14 and a defender of anyone who enjoys sex freely and without prejudices, but keeping in mind that there are no condoms for a person’s feelings, and that so much role-playing can make a man forget who he is and end up feeling lonely. Things change «That may have made sense to some people 30 years ago, much like expecting a girl to remain a virgin until her wedding night. But these days!!!??? Whoever uses those ‘virtues’ as an excuse to cheat on a woman is not only being promiscuous but also immoral», assures Liudmila, 32, from Santa Clara. A young collaborator of this page, Annia, thinks society has changed little in terms of tolerance of a set of beliefs that it still justifies one way or another: «A slow process of change is in many people’s interest», she states, worried that an «obligation» to do something against your will indicates loss of dignity, self-esteem and honesty, among other values. However, from her extensive experience at 40, Lucila assures us there are still many men around who are «dragged» to play their role in another bedroom and later on forgiven by their wives even if they know they might do it again. «I would, just so I can keep my stability. A woman who seduces my husband is trying to wreck my marriage, and perhaps he will indulge her, but I won’t», she told Sexo Sentido. «Forgive him? It depends on the man, but not all women forgive infidelity just like that, no matter how much in love they are», warns Laura, 18: «I guess that macho mission they talk about can be fulfilled in other ways». Sara del Carmen, 17, assents: «I don’t accept that excuse. Infidelity is not a flaw, but a decision, and it’s got nothing to do with real love. If someone cheats on you, it’s a sign that they don’t love you». A professor in Las Tunas province gave an interesting example in a meeting between Sexo Sentido with eleventh grade students from a technical college: «’Roles’ are for movies, plays or TV programs, where for some time you take the part of someone you’re not. Does going to bed with someone who is not to your liking mean you’re not a man the rest of the time, for instance, with your steady partner? How little in the way of self-esteem you have to think so! If getting laid is all you want, spare the excuses and accept the consequences as someone responsible for his actions!» Grisel, a Physical Education student from Bayamo, knows where that shallow attitude will get you: one of her friends lost his sweetheart after several years together and got an incurable STD to boot just because of a wild fling with a girl who allegedly led him into honoring this blasted role. Fortunately, more and more youths and adults who scorn such expectations to take charge of their love life and reach their own decisions: «I was challenged by this gal in my ‘hood who’s been around with half the school –remembers Adrián, 19, from Habana province’s town of Artemisa– but there’s no way I’d do that with her… she’s worse than Russian roulette». «No way, man, I don’t fall for that! Not even if she’s a movie star!», insists Freddy, 50, from Havana. «A dame who tries to blackmail me to get me into her bed is up to something I’m sure I’d be better off without. Why, she might be planning to make me do worse afterwards for all I know! «A man’s role...? That’s for those who let themselves be conned into it to worry about!» ---ooOoo---
Ask Up FrontA.B.: At 17 I’m still to know what is like to have any kind of contact with a woman. I was raised under strict rules of discipline and protection, the reason that I’m so shy and unsociable. I like women, but I’ve always kept to myself for fear of failing to live up to their expectations about me as a man. I’m in need of some company and the affection of someone like my mother, whom I won’t see until my summer vacation. Now and then I feel lonely in places where I don’t know anyone, since it takes me a while to open up to people. Once I fell in love with a classmate who helped me build up my self-confidence. Two years later I told her everything I was holding inside, and it only made things worse: we lost our friendship. It’s been more than a year since I graduated from high school and I have not been able to get over it. Please tell me if that’s bad for me. I think I’ll never forget her, even if we never were anything more than friends. She’s part of your life. Your memories of her won’t stop you from falling in love again when you decide to start all over again. I second your caution to give up «opportunities» centered on the fulfillment of expectations in line with a pre-established script. Spontaneity and trust are pivotal in matters of love. Your loneliness must not make you feel desperate. The relationship between parents and their children somehow shapes the future couple, but a mother and a girlfriend inspire different types of love, and neither replaces the other. You will only enjoy your mother’s affection during your vacation time. Our parents pave the way for our development, but they’re not the only ones responsible for the way we are. Each person chooses his or her own personal shade from a broad spectrum of colors they have in store for us. Your shyness is part of the picture you draw by mixing their colors and your preferences. It’s not there for nothing, any shortcomings notwithstanding. You could see a psychologist to discuss whether you can overcome your timidity or learn to use it in better ways. Neither your
shyness nor your fears kept you from telling that girl how you felt
about her. Unrequited love or not, it’s a valuable experience in that it
set in relief your ability to come forward when you’re really encouraged
by a relationship based on trust. All you have to do is wait until
Cupid’s arrow strikes you again. ---ooOoo---
Did you know? Recent research suggests that sperm affected by exposure to environmental toxins can pass from one person to another for generations. Scientists warn parents who smoke and drink that they should be aware they’re not only damaging themselves but their future offspring as well. Tests on rats revealed that damages caused by exposure to chemicals used in gardening can manifest themselves even four generations later. Toxic substances have been proved to modify sperm’s genetic structure, including that related to prostatic cancer. According to laboratory results, men who drink large amounts of alcohol have a higher rate of flawed sperm, and nicotine reaches the drinker’s seminal fluid and blood. Experts point out that once your DNA is damaged, a mechanism to repair it is very hard to develop. A ---ooOoo--- |
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