Whatever happened to flirting?
«You need just one minute to
notice another person, one hour to like her, one day to love her… but a
lifetime to forget her ».
Anonymous
Who
doesn’t like to be flattered, or rewarded by a conspiratorial smile after
telling a funny phrase –whether original or borrowed– to an eye-catching
passerby?
Flattering is one of those traditions we should never give up for the sake of modernity in language or communication. However, a student we met as we traveled from Ciego de Avila to Cienfuegos[1] was wondering if there was anything wrong with people’s imagination, young or otherwise, since all she and her girl friends had been hearing lately were rude expressions.
«Nothing to do with the nice flattery my mother heard when I was a child, or with the things my cousins would tell a girl every time they visited my town two or three years ago», she commented right there on the bus.
«Did they perhaps forget the most famous lines? Have men run out of creativity or are they all infected by those awful reggaeton and salsa lyrics that talk about nothing but vulgarity and derision of women?», she asked with alarm.
As soon as we get to the editorial office, we set her concern in motion among Sexo Sentido’s online collaborators. What follows is some of their replies.
CUBAN FLAVOR
«In my opinion, flattery can be a beautiful thing, either romantic or a bit daring, but always without going too far or becoming disrespectful. When you tell a nice thing to a woman she looks at you, smiles and even thank you sometimes… some don’t, but they at least heard what you said and think about it unconsciously».
That was Alain, a young man from Havana who contacted other readers to put this page together, mainly with the help of students from UCI[2], including his 22-year-old girlfriend Daymi, from Santiago de Cuba, who describes flattery as «the way to express in words what a man feels when in front of or passing by a girl».
«It’s really pleasant to know when a man is struck on your charm», she admits. «You get to enjoy what some say, but others are a real case… It depends on everyone’s education and on how cultivated they can be.
«Flattery can draw a woman’s attention insofar as it can be appealing, delightful, intriguing or suggestive, but as soon as a man oversteps the mark all he gets is a disapproving look and a rift». Another contacted UCI student, Indira, 22, agrees. She claims to like sweet talk when «it’s a spontaneous, Cuban-like thing… the kind of witty line that can either make you blush or laugh. But I hate it when I’m told a coarse phrase».
Also from Santiago de Cuba, UCI student Adonis, 22, favors original compliments. He thinks flattery is used to «enrich your body language and strike up a conversation with a woman when you want to know her… or the other way around».
He describes it therefore as a bridge to the flirting and soft-soaping, so common in Cuba, and says that, «When you flirt with someone, your mood changes completely». He stresses to be against any of those «annoying jokes which usually have an unpleasant outcome». Yet, it’s not always the man’s fault, he adds. It also happens because not all women like to be complimented and at times they look daggers at you or respond with an angry retort, and get an offensive reply as a result.
DANGEROUS TEMPTATION
Alain’s Mexican friend Kary, an Electronics specialist, told him that the art of flattery is still alive in her country, and that «even if nasty and rude sometimes, it’s often gratifying and pleasing self-esteem booster, especially if it comes from a seductive man or if you’re not exactly a good-looking woman. That’s when it’s most appreciated».
In other cultures, however, these compliments can be read from a different angle. A regular reader of our page in the U.S., José Alpízar points out that such ways to get closer to another person, usually called catcalls, are frowned upon.
«I like being attentive, and I tell a woman that she’s pretty if I have to, but you have to be careful because she can call the police and charge you with harassment», he remarks with a smile.
Leonardo, 45, and Alina, 38, from Havana, see it as an unneeded and bothersome exchange of words. In their view, flattery is always out of line because «it boosts your ego and spirit with superficial concepts, as if sex was the only thing that matters. Well, it’s not».
Yet, other readers stated that flattery doesn’t always have to end up in a love relationship, not even in friendship. It can be simply a gesture of courtesy and kindness between both genders and a way to reflect our Latin culture, something we should neither forgo nor spoil with foul language.
«That says very little for us: with so many ideas we’ve always had and so much beautiful metaphor at hand, why do we have to hear only rude language, and what’s worse, even from some women at times?,» says Manuel, 25, a University student who admits, his cheeks flushed, to have been frequently flirted with.
«I don’t see anything wrong in women taking the initiative, but I never laugh when one comes up with a vulgar line, for I would be degrading myself and making her look even worse», he assures.
Another collaborator whose name he asked us to keep undisclosed confesses to being a shy man who’s incapable of saying anything to a girl, let alone acknowledging any praise. To him, a pair of dark glasses are a sort of blessing he uses to hide away his blue eyes, the reason for many a «headache».
Nonetheless, he writes the complimentary phrases he never voices. «I’d rather slipped a piece of paper into an attractive girl’s purse or school desk… It’s less ‘exhibitionistic’ and she can keep it… something like a piece of flattery with a long-term effect».
As he suggested, Sexo Sentido gives you the following mini-glossary of flirtatious lines, especially collected among our friends, to get off to a good start in 2007.
|
Gifts for 2007
|
Ask Up Front
Z.F: At 14 I had a relationship that marked me for ever. It was with my 34-year-old married professor. We had a passionate affair for one year, and then I decided to split because of his age and his family, and also because I felt it was a bad beginning for me. The problem is that I’ve never again had as good a relationship, even after I got married and had children. I called him, but he’s afraid of starting over for reasons of age and sexual problems that he fears will prevent him from satisfying me. I’d like to give it a try because there’s no passion in my marriage, although I have a wonderful husband. However, I don’t know if I can find the courage, the strength to put up with the age difference, or the determination to devote myself solely to my children in order to move on. I’m 34.
From your letter, I take it that your main problem is the absence of passion in your intimate relations since a romance that you turned into your love pattern. Thus you think recovering your first love is the solution. Well, it certainly isn’t the only one.
It would be advisable to find out why you set boundaries to your passion, or even try to sort things out with your current husband. Likewise, you should assess whether you really love this man who feels unsure about starting over. You two are no longer the same naïve teenager and her idealized teacher. Nor does he have any superiority over you. You would be a mature man and a woman who’s had her share of life.
You might have a passionate affair, but not without accepting those changes first. If you go at it thinking it will be just a sequel of that love, you’re likely to make as much headway as in your other relationships. No more than the usual beginning of a link with the same delights and setbacks of any steady romance.
No less important is to pinpoint what you need to love passionately beyond the socially shaped standards. If a wonderful husband is not what you’re looking for, then what is it? Once you put your finger on it, keep it in mind for when you decide to find someone.
Mariela Rodríguez Méndez has a Master’s Degree on Clinical Psychology and works as an ITS and HIV/AIDS Counselor.
